I keep fantasizing about stoping my heart

I keep fantasizing about stopping my heart,

Because there is security in habits

But every time the footsteps come closer

Or the door shuts in the distance

I feel my heart stop from time to time.

I would not want to die,

Just to stop my heart for minute

October is closing in on me,

I wish time could be kinder to me.

I wish my mind wasn't ruined by my illness,

I wish terror wouldn't ruin my life.

Habits make me retrace my wounds with a pen

And count my pills,

I fantasize about stopping my heart,

Because then maybe just for a minute I could breathe

And my body would stop shimmering

Maybe I could go down on the stairs without stumbling all the way down.

Maybe then the thoughts would quiet.

I can't seem to run fast enough to get away from all this fIt's being suicidal because the shadow of the fire seems to real to process

ear

And ptsd is not an adjective word you can use

Its nightmares for months,

Its panic attacks over almost absolutely nothing.

It's being on the edge as a precaution.