Putting a curse on me

I put a curse on myself as I promised myself to stay clean,

Clean as the ocean,

Letting the waves crash over me.

What I seemed to have forgotten,

It's in my wiring!

I can not let sweetness take over me,

Unless I'm the one pulling the trigger,

As it dissolves around me.

I go on with my life,

Not minding the curse

Hovering over my head.

I threw it all away,

Washed the blood out of my hoodie.

I steadied my heartbeat.

And as the curse eats at my bones,

Because the urges and temptations don't just go away,

The crisis's stay with you.

Even after you don't have the means to die.

And I pretend so hard to be someone,

I had no chance yet to become.

But if someone were to do it for me,

I could be guilt free,

As I tell my therapist,

It wasn't on me this time.

So please, don't ask me to move out of the way,

as the train comes for me,

I'm not yet ready to fully let go.

Please, if you were to stab me,

It would not be on me,

But I'm not sure it could hurt more,

Than I already do.

And if the ground would fall out from under my feet,

I'm pretty sure that would be just another Friday for me.

This curse is weighing over me,

And I know you want to hold my hand thru it,

And I know you wish to understand,

As do I .

And I know you wish for me to move if the train comes for me,

All I can promise is that I will try my best to move.